Since Jacob is approaching the one year mark, I am staring the end of my maternity leave in the eye. Since he was six months old, I have dreaded the thought.
How do mothers do it? The idea of being away from my child all day is tortuous. You may as well slice my chest open with a dull spoon, pull out my heart and see if I can walk around with it beating outside of my body. Because that is exactly what it feels like to be forced into this situation.
Now, I know that I am not really being forced. I know that my husband and I could make some lifestyle changes that would allow me to stay home full time. But we have made the decision that I will go back to work until we (hopefully) have our next child. And then we will reevaluate the situation.
But the guilt ridden mom in me is crying inside. There is no one in this world that can meet Jake’s needs the way that I can. There are just two people in this world who love him so much that they would do anything to keep him from suffering. And he is going to endure hours, everyday, without either of those two people.
Who can I possibly entrust with my precious boy? Will she drop everything when he cries because his feelings are hurt? Will she know what he wants when he cries at the window? Will she know the difference between a cry for water and a cry for food?
I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to talk about my reentry into the workforce. And here I am with a lump in my throat.
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